In the early 80's I spent some time away at school (we won't say where) and I suffered with a lot of anxiety and depression, not because of being away from home per say, but because of the difficult circumstances in which I found myself. To help me cope with my situation, I journaled a lot. Most of my writings have been trashed through the years, but my mother saved a few pieces. I'm sure I must have scared my mother to death at times, but almost as soon as I would begin writing, I would begin to heal and grow. I post some of these writings here because perhaps there are those who are in despair or feel at their lowest, and I want them to know that it is possible to make it to the other side. These present hard times are not permanent. They are only for a season. Keep in mind, these were not meant to be poetic or grammatically correct. These writings were never intended for other eyes. If my writings are too difficult to read at this juncture in your life, please, please skip down to the last one.
It's been a long time, hasn't it? I wonder if I've really progressed any. Only you Lord, only You. Only You can heal this aching heart of mine. Only You can fill me with Your love sublime. It's just You and me, Lord, just You and me. It's just me and You in this private battle, Lord. It's just me and You through all the hassles, Lord. Thank You, Lord; You're all I need. Only You, Lord. Only You.
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God's sustaining grace. Sometimes His grace is the only thing that keeps me going. Failures and set backs come, but still I continue to trudge along with a song in my heart. God helps me to laugh at my failures (and boy, do I have plenty to laugh at). I pick up the broken pieces of my heart and go on. Christ causes me to ALWAYS be victorious, even in my failures. People thought Christ was a failure. Here was a man who said He was almighty God and yet, he was hung on a cross and died. What men thought was His greatest failure was in reality, His greatest victory. God doesn't want the wise, because it is in their own eyes that they are wise. God exalts the simple, the foolish, those who remember that they are nothing more than dust. I praise God in my failures and that I can recognize them. Because in my weaknesses God can use me and cause me to triumph. I will give Him the glory for those triumphs because I KNOW that those victories were not won through my own strengths.
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Is anyone there, Lord? Is anyone there? I reach out for friends, but no one seems to care. No one needs me, Lord. No one needs ME. I want to give of myself, but everyone seems too busy. I'm not too busy, Lord I'm not too busty. Whatever You want, Lord. Use me.
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Oh God, is there no one but You, no one to tell my problems to? Doesn't anyone hear, are You still so very near? So many hard places to go through; why must I always continue? Oh God, I just want to stop; I want the whole world to stop. Why don't they leave me alone, God; why must I always stand alone, God? I need someone to hold me up; I just can't seem to keep it up. Please Lord, let it all stop.
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Doesn't anyone really care about me, Lord? Doesn't anyone really care? No one really listens. No one has time. Why do people tease me so? Don't they know I hurt so? No one sees my private tears. No one knows my secret fears. Why can't they see it, Lord? Why can't they see it? You know my heart, Lord. You alone know my heart. I shouldn't have to ask them. I shouldn't have to ask. I need to be loved so badly, Lord. All I want is a hug. Why does life hurt so much? Why does it have to hurt? Do people hurt others because they hurt? Lord, don't let me hurt others; I know all too well how it feels.
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The beginning of another overwhelming week: where does it all end? Such demands people make on my life. I feel like I'm in Vespers and I hear an unending choral chant of the word "time." Time. Why is time so important? People constantly rush about meeting deadlines, keeping appointments, and trying desperately to make the grade. What is the point of life if we don't have time to live it? Life is passing us by. It is the "modern" man that is primitive in that his day to day life has become a mere ritual of rush. People no longer ruminate and think out that which they are to do; they merely act out their lives as programmed beings. We are free moral agents (okay...so I wasn't reformed at that point lol) or are we? Other people run our lives for us. Why is this cycle so seemingly unbreakable? Enough: This isn't getting me anywhere. I must learn to say "no" to some things. But why is it always my social life that goes first?
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When I cannot understand my Father's leading, and it seems to be but hard and cruel fate, still I hear the gentle whisper ever pleading. God is working; God is faithful, only wait. There's my answer!
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